Bilbo's Misadventures: Rivendell, Here We Come!
by VashandNaomiForever
Summary: In an attempt to make Thorin admit his feelings, Bilbo heads out alone to travel to Rivendell. After six days of journeying, the hobbit runs into Gandalf and finds his emotions fragile in front of the wizard. Will Thorin miss Bilbo enough to stop him? Epilogue added!
1. Chapter 1

**Bilbo's Misadventures: Rivendell, Here We Come!**

Dwarfs are often known for their stubbornness and hard headed behavior, while this was true of Thorin Oakenshield, he wasn't the only individual acting that way. Bilbo Baggins held a huge grudge against the king for his birthday outburst, offended greatly by the dwarf ripping his present Bilbo had made with such enthusiasm. Bilbo had been giving the mean spirited Thorin the silent treatment. Saying not a word to him for weeks, thinking it'd teach the other a lesson.

Being the ass that he was, Thorin was fine with the hobbits cold shoulder act, enjoying the peace and quiet around the mountain. Mocking Bilbo as he'd walk by and making silly faces the way a child would tease another. To Bilbo's credit, he never retaliated, walking by as if the dwarf wasn't even there.

Kili and Fili tried talking to both parties about their behavior, but neither Bilbo or Thorin would stop their senseless ways. One day, Bilbo confided he planned on taking a short trip to Rivendell, that he was going there for some rest and relaxation.

"You're not leaving us forever, are you Bilbo?" Kili questioned, worried that the hobbit was leaving because of his uncle.

"Oh no, just a little journey for some peace of mind. I'll be back before you know it." Bilbo reassured the nephews as they watched him begin his packing.

As quick as they could, Fili and Kili rushed to tell their uncle, hoping he'd lose his attitude of late and show concern for their departing friend.

"Dwarfs not good enough for him, eh? Getting friendly with elves, I swear it's like he _wants_ to get under my skin with his silly antics! Let him go, we're better off." He flapped his trap, his temper still holding onto sore feelings towards the hobbit.

"Uncle! We thought you cared about Bilbo!" Fili looked upon the king with a distasteful emotion plastered on his young mug.

"Bilbo's the one abandoning us for elves, who am I to tell the little brat that he can't go frolic and banter with the sissy, limp-wristed race?!" He huffed in a passive/aggressive manner.

"But uncle, Fili and I think he's doing this because of your fight. Can't you just say something to him?" Kili pleaded with his kin, watching as his uncle began to experience a nervous twitch in his face.

"What fight? I can't recall a recent argument with the tight lipped hobbit." He put on a front, not inclined to talk about the birthday incident ever again if possible.

Try as they would, neither nephew could get Thorin to stop Bilbo from taking his vacation to Rivendell. The day he left, Thorin watched from afar as the little hobbit began his trek away from the mountain, fighting internally emotions he didn't understand; or didn't want to understand. He felt relieved that no more silly schemes would be played out due to the little hobbits absence, yet he also worried if the small fellow would even make it in one piece to the destination he had chosen. And what if he got lost? Tiredly the dwarf began to worry, coming up with horrible situations the traveling Bilbo could get himself into.

It took only three days of the hobbits absence, when Thorin made up his mind to go search for him, just to make sure he was safe and not laying along some road, half eaten or worse; raped. Three days of worrying had supplied him with enough imaginative and horrendous situations that were less than pleasant for his traveling friend. His anger had subsided due to fear for the others safety, deep down Thorin wasn't mad enough to see Bilbo knifed by some criminal on the open road, all because of their spat they had.

-0-0-

"Why Bilbo Baggins, I was just on my way to see if you were gone from the mountain and headed back to the Shire!" Gandalf the Gray had been trekking his way towards the Lonely Mountain and by chance had found little Bilbo already on the road. His backpack full, the hobbit was most certainly on a journey, yet his eyes held a sad emotion. After all his fuss over leaving the Shire, Gandalf was surprised the hobbit had stayed as long as he had at the mountain. Now why was he so upset to go back home? What had taken him so long to leave in the first place?

"Gandalf, I'm glad to see you. I wasn't exactly on my way home, you see I just wanted to take a relaxing rest in Rivendell for a while. I have every intention of coming back to the mountain." The hobbit informed the traveling wizard, watching with unease as Gandalf eyed him curiously.

"Bilbo? Don't you miss your books, your house, your own people? Why haven't you gone back to it all?" The gray bearded wizard was determined to know the reason, waiting patiently for the fidgety fellow to answer him.

"I don't know, Gandalf. I've grown to enjoy their company, they're quite fun to be around and I have new books here to read, a room of my own. It's like we're all one big family inside the mountain." Bilbo tried explaining, Gandalf had a brow raised as if waiting for more reason than just that.

"And what about Thorin?" Gandalf questioned, knowing that the two had had a few disagreeable moments throughout the journey to take back the Lonely Mountain.

"What about him, Gandalf?" Bilbo inquired, a bit bad tempered in his tone of voice.

"I see. He's still crotchety towards you, isn't he? Well, it's probably for the best that you do leave, he's probably ready for his guest to go home." These words were by no means meant to hurt feelings, but they most certainly did.

Bilbo began to cry, right there in front of the confused wizard, Gandalf didn't do well with weepy people. Awkwardly he patted the little fellow's back in an attempt at being understanding and kind, even though he had no clue why the hobbit was a wailing mess.

"I just, I just wanted to be with them all a bit longer, I was hoping he'd say something to me, but if he was glad to see me go then...then..." Bilbo cried hard after that short bit of words, Gandalf listening yet still uncertain why his little friend was being so emotional.

"He's a dwarf king with a lot on his mind, Bilbo. No doubt he has things to do that will be much easier without having company to attend to. Like finding a wife for instance." Gandalf innocently made the comment, just thinking logically out loud about possible things the dwarf would be considering. He hadn't meant to make the hobbit even more upset. The weepy fellow lost his footing and now was plopped on the ground, sobbing.

Was it something he had said, Gandalf wondered? But how could his words have hurt Bilbo's feelings? It wasn't as if the hobbit was fond of Thorin, and upset over the dwarf settling down. That'd just be silly, dwarfs and hobbits getting together, sharing their lives and growing old with one another. Still, Gandalf had to ask if there was an attraction going on between Bilbo and the dwarf king, just to make sure that wasn't the reason for the hobbits breakdown.

"Bilbo, this may be an odd question, but are you _fond_ of Thorin Oakenshield?" The wizard tried asking gently, bending down to the hobbit's grounded position.

Bilbo sniffed and he took his hands to try and wipe away his onslaught of tears, feeling embarrassed now as Gandalf asked him the question everyone always wondered.

Thorin annoyed and outraged him to no end! Yet there had been moments with that dwarf that made Bilbo very happy, moments when Thorin wasn't acting grumpy, when he showed kindness to Bilbo. He felt his heart aching at the thought of Thorin settling down, though emotionally the hobbit didn't know what to do about his feelings for the other. He was a hobbit and Thorin was a dwarf. Sure, they had very intense physical moments due to Bilbos silliness, and the other dwarfs already sort of assumed Bilbo was Thorin's 'special companion'.

Even though there was all that to consider, Bilbo didn't truly know if the dwarf liked him in that manner. He always avoided the subtle questions Bilbo would ask to see if the dwarf was an interested partner. How ever do you force a dwarf like that to confess his feelings? It was hopeless and Bilbo was feeling it wholeheartedly right now, sitting on the ground crying over a dwarf who let him leave without even saying goodbye!

"It's hopeless Gandalf. He'll never let me know how he feels. That's why I was leaving, I wanted to force him to admit he wanted me to stay, or chase after me. Yet here I am, no dwarf chasing this hobbit, he's made his choice I guess." Bilbo spoke quietly as the wizard listened, the listener feeling uncomfortable with all this relationship business. He was never good with matters of the heart, and didn't know exactly what to do or say to make his friend feel any better.

"I'll see that you get to Rivendell safely, Bilbo. Perhaps after your time spent there, you'll have made up your mind about going home to the Shire?" Gandalf spoke, watching Bilbo nod his head sadly in answer.

"Up we go." Gandalf helped up his downed friend, getting Bilbo back on his feet once more. "How long have you been traveling?" He asked of Bilbo.

"Six days, I feel as if I haven't gotten very far, though." The hobbit confided to his friend, his eyes still glued to the ground.

Just then, both companions heard the thundering of hooves headed their way, Bilbos head looked up as he and Gandalf watched the rider pop out from around a corner.

Thorin Oakenshield was in the saddle, riding his trusted mount towards the shocked looking pair. His mane of hair windswept and lightly tangled, his eyes rimmed with dark circles. Thorin came to a stop next to the wizard and hobbit, dismounting his pony and marching purposefully towards the awestruck Bilbo.

Standing directly in front of the hobbit, he looked Bilbo dead in the eyes as his rough hands grasped both upper arms of the fellow.

"Do you know how stubborn and pig headed you are? You could have been killed by _anything_ roaming these lands, you're not adept in traveling alone you over confident airhead! I've lost sleep worrying over where your body might be rotting, wondering if we'd even find a body!" Thorin let out his frustrated words of concern, Bilbo's lower lip was jutted out and his eyes were beginning to get glassy once more.

"If you're still determined to go frolic with the elves of Rivendell, then you're going to go with an escort. I won't rest until I know you're not about to be killed by some fiend out on the open road. You're just going to have to deal with my company, Bilbo Baggins, whether you want it or not!" Thorin finished his speech, eyeing the hobbit for any sign of defiance.

Bilbo hugged him, greatly surprising the king as he loosened his hold on Bilbos upper arms so that the hobbit could hug him adequately. Thorin let out a sigh and rested his tired chin on Bilbos head as the hobbit cried and hugged the dwarf. Their moment was interrupted by a coughing noise from Gandalf.

"Well, since you two are on a small quest, I'll go make sure things are safe and sound at the mountain while you're away." He offered, wanting to leave the two alone, feeling awkward in their company at the moment. Even wizards knew when they were third wheels...

Carefully the two intertwined companions separated and let Gandalf know that they'd write when they got to Rivendell. As soon as the wandering wizard left, Thorin helped Bilbo onto Minty and mounted the animal behind the hobbit, wrapping his arms around Bilbo as he took up the reins. Bilbos face felt warm as they started their way, together towards Rivendell and relaxation.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Okay, going for another short chapter story. Potentially I want to somehow make Elrond the reluctant relationship adviser for these two when they get to Rivendell. It'll start out with Bilbo complaining about Thorin to Elrond, and Elrond being a good listener that he is gets dragged into offering relationship advise. It's going to be a fun little tale! Hope you're all excited and are ready to let me know how you're liking the story by reviewing!


	2. Chapter 2

Elrond had not been expecting any company, imagine his surprise when a dwarf and a hobbit showed up at his doorstep, out of the blue, wanting rest and relaxation as if Rivendell was a resort where you could kick up your feet while enjoying good wine and food. Now that he thought about it, Rivendell had to look heavenly to the likes of them. With its grand halls and beautiful, natural landscaping. The lovely looking inhabitants that never were rude or ill tempered, catering to any guests needs while they stayed.

"Damn, we've made it _too_ nice!" Elrond cursed to himself, coming to the conclusion that his home was by far the closest thing Middle Earth had to a real resort for the weary traveler. It wasn't as if Elrond was unsociable, he liked guests as much as the next elf, but he worried that his home would start receiving more and more guests that most likely wouldn't be as well behaved as master Baggins.

Thorin was treated respectfully, yet there still lingered from him the stench of predigest for elven kind. He looked upon Elronds people with weariness and uncertainty. His appearance here at all, Elrond deduced, was because of his hobbit companion Bilbo. He was very protective and lightly possessive of the unaware hobbit, making sure the little one stayed near as they were shown to their rooms.

Elrond was by no means a love expert, but having been married and caring deeply for his wife until she left for her own spiritual health reasons, he knew the signs of a male interested in someone. He observed them discreetly, their interactions as they ate meals and wandered the many areas of his home, it was obvious the dwarf was not one to part with his hobbit. It was sweet, though in Elronds personal opinion he thought Bilbo could do better, but it wasn't his decision to make. Bilbo was an adult, he could choose his friends and possible mates all on his own, but that didn't mean Elrond wouldn't give his two cents if asked. After all, Thorin was a sort of hot headed figure, maybe Bilbo would see that and find courtship somewhere else.

-0-0-

"Isn't this lovely, Thorin? It's so peaceful here, a hobbit can really think in this type of atmosphere." Bilbo spoke happily to his companion.

"Does that mean you've been brain dead this whole time at the mountain? That would explain a lot." Thorin sassed his hobbit.

"Thorin!" He tisked at the teasing dwarf.

"You've got to admit, you have done a few idiotic things while staying with us. The wolf pelt, for instance. The cross dressing dwarf scheme you pulled off with my nephews. Along with throwing your pole into the blasted lake for me to retrieve. Just to mention a few." He smirked as Bilbo blushed and fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Yes, well, you act as if you've never done anything silly. You ran faster than I did from that honking devil of a goose! And you're the king, I thought you were suppose to set a good example and take on challenges, not run away from them." Bilbo made his rebuttal, treading on thin ice with some of his words.

"Are you saying I'm not a fit king, Bilbo?" He growled the words warningly. "I destroyed Smaug, didn't I? I took back our kingdom and made it flourish once more and all you can say is, 'Thorin ran away from a goose'?" He eyed Bilbo heatedly.

"Watch your temper, Thorin! You can be so sensitive. I think you're a great king, I just think you've no right to look down on me for my silliness when you've done a few strange misadventures yourself." He plainly informed the touchy dwarf, feeling his tension lessen as Thorin sighed and dropped the matter without blowing up over it.

Silently they wandered on through the halls and rooms, until two pretty looking elf maidens waved for them to enter a sweet scented room. They were told to make the guests comfortable and asked if Bilbo or Thorin would like a personal massage.

Bilbo, being the eager beaver that he was, answered a quick yes and was taken over to remove his clothes and lay on a comfortable looking table. Thorin shook his head, uninterested in an elf having their creepy little fingers running all over his naked body. Why the hobbit had been so willing was beyond the king, as he watched protectively as the hobbit laid face down on the padded table.

"Sure you're not interested, Thorin?" Bilbo called towards his friend.

"No, Bilbo." He answered assertively, taking a seat he was offered and watching as the elves began oiling up Bilbo's bare back. Nimble fingers worked over the hobbit as he giggled from time to time at their touch, after a few moments though, they had him moaning in delight at their craft. Smiling pleasantly as they continued to massage his back, one of them working their way down towards his buttocks.

"Ohh! Um, that's unnecessary." Bilbo informed the roaming hands of the elf teasing his arse with her slippery fingers.

"As you wish." She answered him politely. Her mouth started talking in elfish to the other female, leaving Bilbo and Thorin to wonder at their conversation.

_"I'm glad the dwarf said no, I didn't look forward to touching all that hair he undoubtedly has." _The darker haired maiden commented.

_"At least this hobbit isn't as hairy as his feet are. I was surprised. Do you think it's time to flip him over and massage his front now?"_

_"Sure. I'm curious to see just what the little fellow has to offer down there. Elrond did say to make them feel comfortable after all."_

_"Oh! You are a silly thing!" _The maiden chuckled as both worked to carefully move Bilbo so that he was facing them now.

It was different, watching their timeless faces as they began loosening muscles and rubbing lightly aching areas. He knew they were use to this sort of work, but he couldn't help but feel a little shy and vulnerable facing them naked like he was, laying there as they made his body feel healthier.

The one elf, the darker haired maiden who had been messing around his rump was now getting her hands on his calves and thighs, working up even more. He was about to say something until it happened. He let out a gasp as she did the unthinkable.

"Bilbo?" Thorin had heard the gasp but had yet to notice why his friend had done so.

The female who _wasn't_ stroking his hobbit parts was busy working on his shoulders, not looking towards her busily working companion. Bilbo didn't want to freak out, and cause a scene, but his temper was beginning to rise at this maidens behavior. She had no right to be playing him like an instrument! His mind was trying to work up a modest way of getting her to stop, but all that gentle thinking stopped when she brazenly took things to the next level.

"Pardon me, dear." He pushed the gentle maiden aside and lifted his upper half up to stare down at the busily sucking she-devil.

"The concert is over, place your lips around this hobbit's flute one more time and I'll pop you one." He directly informed the wide eyed looking elf, her lips let go and she stood up from her hunched position and started blinking fast in her embarrassment.

The elf maiden who hadn't been a complete whore started cursing and yelling at the other in their native tongue, hauling her away no doubt to take her to Elrond.

Thorin stared dumbly as the hobbit calmly went about picking up his clothes and putting them back on, his shirt sticking to his oily body. He sighed at that but continued dressing, putting everything on and turning to his companion with a level head.

"Ready to go have a look around some more? Think I'm about ruined for any other massages from here." He tried making it a joke, watching as Thorin nodded, staring blankly as if he were in shock.

Gently, the hobbit took his arm and lead the shell-shocked companion with him, knowing that Thorin was still trying to wrap his head around what had just taken place. Bilbo imagined his friend would never look at a female elf quite the same after this incident.

-0-0-

"When, in my words to you both, did I ever say 'suck off the hobbit'? I simply said to make them feel comfortable and you took matters into your own hands, or should I say mouth, and took advantage of one of our guest!" Elrond glared angerily at the miffed looking maiden who had done wrong by Bilbo.

"I only thought the hobbit would enjoy himself, I never meant to disrespect you, Lord Elrond." She stated stonily to her superior.

"You've disrespected our home with these actions! Rivendell, the place to go for fresh blow jobs, is that our mission now? Is that what you want all of Middle Earth to think when they hear our city's name?" He scolded her like a child, very upset at his guest being wronged and how it would come back to bite Rivendell in the ass.

"Leave. You've done enough to sully our home with your behavior." He ordered the maiden, watching as she marched away indifferently. Some elves theses days, you just couldn't find honest, moral beings anymore! That evening Lord Elrond was going to talk to Bilbo and try to apologize for the terrible incident. Hopefully the hobbit could look past this and still enjoy the rest of his visit here in Rivendell.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien.


	3. Chapter 3

At dinner, Elrond had apologized over and over again to the understanding hobbit. The kind hearted guest held no grudge over it, though that couldn't be said for Thorin. He kept inquiring where the 'elf whore' was so that he might have a word with her. Elrond kept telling the dwarf that he had already sent her away, that she wasn't welcome in Rivendell anymore.

"I lose my appetite every time I imagine poor Bilbo laying there getting his ..." Thorin would stop talking, bend another spoon in his frustration and have to ask for another. Out of everyone, Bilbo was the least upset over it, able to brush off the incident so that he could enjoy the rest of his time spent in Rivendell.

He ate his fill of the fruits and vegetables the elves had to offer, while Thorin eyed the green food with disinterest, opting out to sink his teeth into what little bread they provided. He ate less than Bilbo, still nauseated at the random images that would pop into his mind. Elves would always have a negative effect on Thorin, no matter how much Bilbo tried to make the dwarf understand their 'culture'.

Soon it was time for bed, the companions walked together towards where their rooms awaited. At least the elves had made Thorin's room close to Bilbo. He was the only being the dwarf trusted around this snobby den of pointy ears.

The dwarf king followed Bilbo into his room, checking out the area to make sure everything was safe, looking under the bed even which exasperated Bilbo to no end.

"Never know if that she-devil is hiding to finish the job, Bilbo." Thorin informed the other.

"Then she'd be here a great long while, I'm not one to fancy women much, let alone _elf_ women. Well then, goodnight Thorin." On that note the dwarf was pushed out of the room, doors shutting the hobbit in securely.

Thorin kept thinking about what that little hobbit had said, as if mentioning it offhandedly to the dwarf for future reference...what did Thorin care if Bilbo didn't fancy women? ...Okay, so deep down, way down in his secret place inside his mind, the king found that new bit of information quite interesting, and possibly something to explore if ever given the chance. But Thorin didn't dwell on his secret thoughts, he had other worries to keep at bay. Like plotting elves that would do things to his sleeping body and he'd never wake to know what they did to him...

Why did he come up with such terrible thoughts? Now he was going to have a very hard time sleeping. Perhaps thinking about Bilbos preferences would drive out evil plotting elf images.

-0-0-

Bilbo was snug in his bed, dreaming away the night when a light tapping sound awoke him. Slumber still at her weary eyes, the hobbit plopped out of bed, wobbly walked to the door and peeked out to see who would call on him at such a late hour.

"Bilbo, I can't sleep." It was Thorin! And by Gandalf's beard did the fellow look red eyed and tired!

"What do you want me to do, sing you a lullaby and kiss your teddy goodnight for you?" He tiredly teased the other, who then pushed aside the weak hobbit and shut the doors behind him.

"I don't like sleeping among elves without someone there to guard me in case they,..." He go awkwardly quiet.

"In case they what, Thorin?" Bilbo asked, curious as to why his mighty dwarf friend was so damn paranoid.

Thorins lower lip jutted out, his eyes looking anywhere but at Bilbo as he tried beating around the bush on what he was worried about, "Well, with what happened to you I worry they might think it funny to take..._advantage_ of a sleeping dwarf. My head hits that pillow and all I imagine hearing are elves taking down their trousers and doing Durin knows _what_ to my unconscious body. Shaming me while I sleep, the devils!" He was being very serious here, though with the content you have to imagine Bilbo's thoughts on the matter. He took it as a joke and chuckled, making Thorin shake the still sleepy eyed fellow by his nightshirt.

"I'm serious, Bilbo! They are cleaver, nasty things and I will sleep much better knowing your hobbit arse is here to keep them at bay." He looked Bilbo right in the eyes, wanting the hobbit to believe him.

"Geez, Thorin. Alright! Just climb on in, I guess. The bed is big enough to fit a whole army." He commented as Thorin let go his hold. Bilbo turned and scrambled into the bed and under the covers, his head dipping on the fluffy pillow as he watched Thorin stare uncertainly.

"_What_?" Bilbo asked, wanting to know the new issue the king had. Bilbo would be damned if Thorin thought he'd sleep on the floor. This was his room, after all. If Thorin didn't like bunking with hobbits, he could park his rear on the cold ground!

"I uh, I don't know how to say this without alarming you Bilbo. So I'm just going to wait till you're asleep to do it." Thorin coughed awkwardly as he waited for the hobbit to close his peeking eyes.

"What do you mean, 'It'? I find it even harder to fall asleep wondering what you're about to do that you don't want me seeing." He eyed the dwarf wearily, hoping it wasn't something like a gross dwarfish ritual.

"I won't do it while you're awake, Bilbo. So turn your head the other way and go to sleep." He gestured for the hobbit to do as he was told.

"Fine!" He hissed, rolling around but waiting this situation out. If he pretended to fall asleep, maybe he could catch Thorin in the act! Whatever that act might be...

A good half hour went by, and he started hearing rustling sounds, Bilbo waited patiently, listening intently to Thorins breathing. The bed sunk in a little, meaning the dwarf was already there, covers lifted and the hobbit was now sharing his bed with the king, but what was his big deal?

Acting as if moving around in his sleep, Bilbo closed his eyes, rolled over towards Thorin to face him, and cracked his eyes lightly to peek at his bedmate.

With the darkness of the room and the covers on, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Thorin was resting his eyes, laying on his back, he'd taken his shirt off because Bilbo could see the curly chest hairs peeking over the covers. So, he took his shirt off and didn't want Bilbo to see him? They'd seen each other barren before, in silly misadventures, why so shy now?

Bilbo shrugged at his friends behavior and cuddled into his pillow, resting his eyes seriously as they closed.

-0-0-

Elrond thought he'd serve his guest an extra special breakfast, waking early and setting up everyone to do their tasks efficiently, his time flying by. His guest had yet to come down of their own accord, so Elrond thought nothing of being a kind host and informing them that breakfast was ready. He headed for Bilbo's room first, opening the door gently and smiling warmly as he started informing the hobbit...

Elronds smile faded as his eyes took in the sight of Bilbos bed, his companion Thorin, was naked and spooning the hobbit as they slept on. Upset with the vision on Thorins naked, hairy ass searing into his eyes, the elf carefully shut the door and left them to their business. It wasn't his place to barge in on...on whatever _that_ just was.

Hurriedly he went to the nearest wash basin and scrubbed his hands, feeling dirty at seeing the unwanted image and not knowing how else to make himself feel cleaner. "So much...hair..." He hissed the words to himself as he scrubbed faster, harder, wanting the dirty feeling gone from his mind and soul.

-0-0-

Lazily the hobbit began to awaken, blearily opening his eyes, his buttock pressed against something warm and hard. Carefully he rolled around in bed to look at the dwarf that had been spooning him unknowingly. Thorin was snoring lightly with his mouth open, making Bilbo giggle at the usually aloof king. Gently the hobbit pulled back the covers, getting ready to slip out of bed when his eyes took in the surprising fact that Thorin had slept in the nude. Face growing beat red, his eyes looked away from the bare body of his friend as he walked over to the wardrobe.

Apparently the dwarf woke up very proud in the mornings, Thorin's flag was most certain flying at full mast this day! It's appearance had thrown Bilbo for a loop as he vaguely worked at opening the wardrobe doors to access his clothes.

Well, this explained why Thorin had wanted Bilbo asleep last night, no way would the hobbit have let Thorins unclothed body slink in so closely to Bilbos...Maybe. Alright, so the hobbit wasn't sure how to feel about it. He liked Thorin, but the dwarf didn't know that and he wasn't going to try advancing on someone who wasn't an interested person, it just wasn't Bilbo's way.

Sighing with frustration over hormones he hadn't felt since his puberty years, the hobbit banged his head lightly against the wardrobe at his own cowardice. He had to tell Thorin eventually how he was feeling, but how ever was he going to do that? He needed advice, someone with years of experience in love. Elrond was old, maybe the elf could offer Bilbo some wisdom? With a small plot forming, he began dressing himself, letting Thorin sleep as much as he'd like. It wasn't Bilbo's place to wake the sleeping dwarf, he'd probably be happier with Bilbo gone when he awoke anyway, so that he could put on some clothes without admitting his nighttime fetish.

With his trousers buttoned, his shirt tucked in nicely, the hobbit was off to find Elrond and hopefully get the relationship advice he so badly needed.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin was sweating, his waist wrapped in a white towel to cover his private parts, as he sat in the elven sauna. He'd turn his head to the right and get a friendly wave from an unnamed male elf who was also enjoying the steam, Thorin would turn away his gaze and not respond in any way.

"I thought you said it'd be private, Bilbo." He commented to the hobbit sitting on his left, for what felt like was the umpteenth time.

"They aren't touching you, are they? Just try and relax, Thorin. I thought that if you came here we might be able to talk." Bilbo attempted to work his way up to admitting his feelings.

"Talk? We converse all the blasted time, what makes this place so special?" He raised a brow at his companion, thick headed as usual.

"I don't know, it's just I thought maybe we could try being more open to one another, share our feelings better..."

"Halt. I refuse to let you make this into a damned sissy sit down. Keep your hobbit secrets to yourself, Bilbo. I'm not interested." Of course, this only made Bilbo feel bad so his mouth stayed shut.

With an indifferent 'humph', the hobbit moved from his position next to Thorin, towards a steaming pool of water that had natural looking soaps and skin ointments to use placed next to it. Sinking his frustrated body into the warmth of the water lessened his annoyed attitude, his hands unwrapping the towel so that he could clean himself thoroughly with the vast array of cleansing supplies.

Thorin watched quietly as his hobbit went off towards the pool of water, positioned in the center of the room. His face twitched lightly as he noticed Bilbo fling off his towel, from Thorins point of view he didn't see the nakedness of the hobbit, but he knew that the fellow was undoubtedly bare. All that Thorin could see of the other was his back and head, his beady eyes narrowed as the dwarf watched a little too interestedly the hobbit begin soaping himself up.

Maybe, the dwarf had been too hard on the talkative hobbit, perhaps he had only wanted an honest and private word with the king. Then again, this fool of an elf with them didn't exactly make the dwarf feel comfortable enough to just gab about anything with Bilbo. Let alone personal stuff, he'd rather choke on poisoned mead before speaking of personal matters in front of a listening elf.

Now, if that elf wasn't there to listen in on them, then maybe Thorin would be more willing to talk with Bilbo over whatever his little heart was set on. A thought came to the dwarf king as he smiled mischievously to himself. He knew of one way to get the unwanted company gone without killing the bastard. Thorin's brow furrowed as he concentrated hard, hard enough that finally a loud sound tore from him in a very unpleasant manner. The once smiling elf was now frowning deeply, his fingers holding his touchy nose as he moved away from Thorin, turning tail towards the saunas exit.

"Works every time." He ginned as he watched the male elf cough and hack in a hurry to get away from the gassy dwarf.

With the eavesdropper taken care of, Thorin stood from his spot and walked calmly down to the bathing hobbit, stepping into the warm water and slipping off his towel. His back was facing the hobbit as he sank lower into the waters, hiding his lower half in the steaming warmth of the liquid as he turned to appraise his companion nonchalantly.

"Good grief, what is that smell?!" Bilbo blurted out as the king coyly responded that the elf had let loose a smell unholy before exiting the sauna.

"I had no idea that elves could do such a smelly thing..." Bilbo shook his head in wonder, having held the timeless creatures at such a high standard.

"Anyway, with him gone, I am willing to listen to whatever your hobbit heart was trying to say. Just hurry up about it before I decide to change my mind, Bilbo. You know I've a hard time with heart to heart conversations and the like." He urged the other, his hands searching around for soap. While waiting for his hobbit to speak, he began smelling the different types of soap, so many of them were girly in the dwarfs opinion! Lavender, jasmine, honeysuckle, by all that is holy, why were they all so _feminine_?! Finally Thorin came across a plain colored soap that smelled neutral, so he started scrubbing the stuff all over his body.

Bilbo, bless his heart, was feeling a wee bit nervous as he tried to find the right words, his mind preoccupied until he noticed Thorin soaping up with a strange looking item. The hobbit quickly realized what the object was and went to move closer to take it away from the dwarf.

"Thorin, give me that."

The dwarf eyed Bilbo uncertainly as he held tight to his rather slimy bar of soap. "What is it, want me to scrub your back with this, hobbit?" Thorin teased the other, who only shook his head and tried reaching for the used soap.

Thorin played keep away with the hobbit, reaching his arms up high as the shorter fellow hopped about the king to try and retrieve the item.

In his frustration, Bilbo burst out to his teasing friend what he was using for soap, "It's rendered down troll fat, Thorin!"

This news made the king slouch, his arms dropping like they were lead as the hobbit grabbed the slimy object from his friends hand. "They use it as a base to make soaps, but this one wasn't properly made yet." He continued to enlighten the unhappy looking dwarf.

"I've been wiping troll fat all over my body?!" The dwarf ground out his words, his once limp hands now forming fists.

"Just take one of the other soaps and use it, Thorin." Bilbo handed over the bar that he had been using.

"Why did you let me rub that nasty thing all over my body before telling me what it was?! I could get a blasted rash from that slimy fat!" He glared at the hobbit accusingly, Bilbo shrugged his shoulders at the miffed dwarf.

"I was busy thinking. It was too late once I did notice. You're a big dwarf, I figured you'd know what soap was and what troll fat looked like." Bilbo mouthed his opinion, Thorin feeling only more frustrated and pissy with his companions explanation.

-0-0-

After the two had gotten clean and dried off, they headed over to the stables to check on Minty. Thorin greeted his pony the way a man greeted his canine companion.

"Hello my pretty girl, have they been treating you kindly my sweet Minty?" He cooed to her in a gentle way not many had heard him speak. Bilbo was always amazed at how different Thorin's attitude was around his favorite pony.

"You're mare there is in heat, she's been driving Lord Elrond's prized stallion mad." An elf working the stable commented to the visiting dwarf and hobbit.

"That's my Minty, such a tease." He chuckled at his pony, caressing her muzzle fondly before turning to the elf.

"See that your prized stallion stays right where he is. I don't want my Minty defiled by any _elf's_ horse." He warned with such predigest, making Bilbo feel embarrassed by being with the dwarf.

"Lord Elrond's stallion would never be allowed to mount such a small pony, he would surly crush her in his effort to procreate." The elf spoke back to the dwarf.

"Small?!" Thorin eyed the elf like he was an Orc ready to be slain.

"Now Thorin..." Bilbo gripped the dwarfs upper arm and held him back from doing anything physical to the wide eyed looking elf. The stable hand had meant no harm in his comment, but Thorin was too protective of his mare's honor to let the small comment slide.

"I'll have you know that she is the _tallest_ pony in _my_ kingdom, her height is close to that of a regular sized horse!" He spoke in a matter of fact way to the listening elf.

"Come on, Thorin. We don't want any trouble today." Bilbo urged the other, still holding onto the aggressive minded companion.

"Fine, Bilbo. We're going." He humphed and turned away from the weary eyed elf. Giving Minty another caress before leaving the stables with his hobbit in tow.

-0-0-

Elrond had gotten over the mental image of Thorin, replacing it with the thought of his wife every time he felt an episode about to happen. He now was sitting at the head of the dinner table, making small talk with Bilbo as they all enjoyed their meal. Thorin was quiet as he ate, actually pecking at other types of food like the seasoned mushrooms and onions. Even Bilbo had tried the differently cooked mushrooms, finding their flavor unique to his taste buds.

Unknown to them, those mushrooms had been the kind you're not meant to consume. It just so happened that the elf Thorin had shooed away with his rude fart was one of the cooks. He had been very insulted by the stinky dwarf and decided to play a trick on the other. He knew that Lord Elrond disliked mushrooms, and wouldn't bother his master with the food item. It wasn't deadly by any means, it'd just make the dwarf speak his mind and behave rather oddly.

The mushrooms were starting to work, Thorin started making weird conversation about raspberries. Bilbo, who also had eaten the bad fungi, started laughing and talking about how raspberries had made Thorin walk around his halls with a giant "trouser snake". Very impolite table conversation, but the host tried his best to not be rude to the guests as they oddly giggled and spoke of such silliness that it was on the verge of absurd!

"Perhaps you two should consider settling down for the evening, I think the wine has gotten the best of you." Elrond politely made the comment, watching uncertainly as the hobbit and dwarf rose from their seats and started for their rooms. Not even a polite good evening as they left! Oh well, it had to be the wine, what else could have made them so tipsy?

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: The next chapter may have some intimate Bagginshield moments, I know this is a humor story, and intend to keep the laughs going, but these two are going to have a small, serious moment soon and I want you readers ready for it. Thorin is going to open up to Bilbo, and Bilbo tells Thorin personal stuff as well.


	5. Chapter 5

"Bilbo, have I told you that I haven't had a proper bedding since before Smaug came to the mountain?" Thorin spoke openly, his arms around Bilbo's shoulders as they walked together down the hall towards the bedrooms.

"That long, Thorin? But you're such a sharp looking dwarf! I imagined you were bedding dwarfs often during your years wandering outside of your homeland." Bilbo confessed his thoughts, feeling very comfortable as he conversed with the other.

"I'm not one to admit this openly, but I found that my sex drive was nonexistent while wandering the lands, in search of a different place to call home. So much of my mind was on how and when I'd ever get back to the Lonely Mountain that relations just weren't apart of my agenda. Working with the blacksmiths throughout different towns, you wouldn't believe how many human maidens tried making advances. It was tiresome, always trying to do my work and have flocks of maidens ogling me like a prized cock. Excuse me, prized possession. I hated it." He spoke his mind to the listening friend, their steps moving into the bedroom of Bilbo.

They sat on the edge of the bed together as Thorin asked Bilbo a rather personal question, "When was the last time you were bedding someone, Bilbo?"

The hobbit blushed as he thought back to his last try at enjoying females in that manner.

"It was rotten." Were the first words out of his mouth, "I find that it was easier enjoying a conversation with a lady than actually enjoying her physically. They always expect you to be the forceful and fierce type while loving and I...I just don't have it in me. I rather the other lead the way, so to speak, than have me at the reins. And afterwords, they were never impressed, they just left right away and never talked to me again. I stopped having sex after that, I just felt like the worst partner a hobbit could ever have. I had made my peace with being a bachelor the rest of my days when you lot suddenly came into my life and made it exciting." He felt a hand reach out and take his own, Bilbo looked over at his friend and saw that the dwarfs eyes were glassy looking.

"You'd give up so easily, live your life alone, Bilbo? I find that a terrible waste, you're a loyal friend and have had my back in many battles. It is hard to believe such sadness ever existed in your past with how you go about your days in the mountain." Thorin squeezed Bilbos hand kindly as he spoke.

"It's because I am happy, staying in the mountain makes me feel a part of something bigger than just myself. I'm not reminded of missing out on normal hobbit lifestyles that I can never be apart of. I'm content living with you." He openly admitted to the dwarf.

"You know, Bilbo, I was worried you left us because you were missing the Shire." Thorin let out his thoughts.

"I came to see if you cared enough to follow, Thorin. With our last bout we had I wasn't sure if you still wanted me there."

"Bilbo!" Thorin tisked, "When will you see that I can't stand the thought of you ever going away?" He had a sincere smile as one hand cupped the blushing hobbits cheek affectionately.

"Bilbo, it's been bothering me since you said it, so I have to ask. The other night when you told me that you didn't fancy women, were you trying to tell me something else?" He searched the hobbits face questioningly.

"What do you think I meant?" The hobbit lightly teased the dwarf, Thorin put on a determined face.

"Tell me!" He demanded, taking both hands and holding down the hobbit by his upper arm, pushing his back against the bed.

"I think you know." Bilbo smiled playfully as he watched the dwarf fight internally with his own frustration.

"I have a guess, but I want a real answer from you!" He demanded of his captured companion, Bilbo looking up at the dwarf with a smart ass look on his face.

"I'm not telling." He playfully teased the other, squirming in Thorin's grasp and moving enough to roll away from the dwarf, smacking his body into the pillows on the upper part of the bed.

"Tell me!" He hissed at Bilbo as he clambered along the bed, reaching for the squirming hobbit.

They fussed and fought until Thorin had Bilbo pinned again, this time the hobbit was face down, his hands behind his back as Thorin demanded the hobbit tell him what he wanted.

"Fine, I don't fancy women because I find myself more attracted to...males." Bilbo answered the dwarf who was holding him captive in a very intimate manner.

Bilbo couldn't see it, but his words had made the dwarf blush, his eyes taking in just how provocative his position must seem while holding down his stubborn companion. Gently he let the hobbit go and moved his body off the fellow. Bilbo maneuvered himself so that he was sitting cross legged next to the quiet dwarf.

"Bilbo, my Oakenshield only releases when I think about you." This blunt statement made the hobbit gape at the dwarf, dumbstruck at the out of the blue admittance. Maybe Bilbo's feelings weren't one sided after all.

-0-0-

Bilbo was the one to lean in ever so carefully and peck the dwarf lightly, timidly on the lips. Thorin held very still as the hobbit kissed him, his internal organs feeling as if they were on fire at the unexpected show of affection.

As Bilbo began to pull back slowly, the burning, passion filled dwarf swooped the hobbit into his arms and pressed his firm lips against the soft ones belonging to Bilbo. Hungrily he sought the hobbits mouth, his hands holding on tightly to the little bodied fellow as he tasted what the hobbit had to offer. Greedily Thorin began to roam his flowing fingers throughout the others body, diving under clothes and feeling warm, smooth skin.

Bilbo let him, enjoying the ferocity of his companions exploration, letting out a gasp as the rough handed dwarf pinched Bilbo teasingly on the nipple. Gandalf help him, he'd never felt so excited and wanting with any other partner!

Thorins mouth released it's hold while the dwarf hurriedly worked on taking off the hobbits shirt, tossing it aside and then removing his own so that they might touch skin to skin. Bilbos eyes turned huge as he watched the dwarf strip off his shirt, showing off his broad and hairy chest. Little hands sought to touch the hair, slipping along the others chest down to his abdomen.

Thorin let out a groan as he felt Bilbo guide his hands down to his abdomen, his loins undoubtedly showing how terribly bad the little one was teasing him. The hobbits eyes did indeed look down to the straddling waist and could easily tell that the dwarf was enjoying their intimate touches. Trousers still kept the powerful Oakenshield at bay, as the dwarf lowered himself to be flushed against the laying hobbit.

"Tell me, Bilbo, was this your grand plan? To woo me into submission?" He huskily spoke to the still wide eyed looking hobbit.

"I just wanted to tell you I had feelings for you, I never thought I'd get this kind of reaction, though." He admitted willingly to the smiling king.

"And how are you enjoying my reaction?" He coyly asked, taking a bold hand and seeing if the fellow was as interested as he was. Through the material of Bilbos trousers, Thorin could feel the others stiff manhood, this fact pleased the dwarf as he busily messed with the obscuring buttons.

"Thorin, maybe we should take this slow. I mean, we are acting a bit rashly, maybe we did have too much wine at dinner?"

"Nonsense! I barely drank any, that elf was probably just ready to rid himself of our company." Thorin argued, still working on the silly little buttons on his companions pants.

"Thorin, I don't want this to be some drunken fling and then we act like nothing happened the next day." Bilbo spoke his concerns, halting the dwarfs hands with his own.

"Bilbo, I..." Thorin paused his sentence, his face making an odd expression. "Bilbo?"

"Yes Thorin?"

"Bilbo I, I don't feel well." He spoke uneasily, moving off the hobbit hurriedly and holding his stomach in pain.

"Thorin?" Bilbo sat up and watched with growing concern as the dwarf rocked back and forth strangely.

"I ..." He stood up and rushed for the doors, leaving Bilbo alone and wondering what was wrong.

Hurriedly Thorin rushed down the halls, searching for a place to rid himself of the bile he felt building in his throat. Randomly he chose a door and zoomed into it, finding that he could hold out no longer, the dwarf started retching all over what he had assumed was an empty bed.

It was not, in fact, empty. Thorin had stumbled his way into Lord Elronds room and was now vomiting up half eaten mushrooms all over the suddenly awoken elf. Bile spat everywhere, the dwarf let it all out, the elf underneath the covers trying to quickly move out of the line of fire.

Cursing in elfish, Lord Elrond looked angerily at the dwarf and his now ruined blankets. Noticing with his keen eyes that the dwarf had retched up mushrooms, the elf started to connect the dots.

Leaving the dwarf without a word, Elrond marched his half vomited on body towards the kitchens. Throwing open the doors in his temper, the elf started calling out for all the cooks to line up and present themselves.

Uneasily the cooks lined up, trying hard not to gag at the smell Elrond had waifing off his body. Their lord paced up and down the line, grinding his teeth in his attempt to no fly completely off the handle.

"I demand to know who prepared the mushrooms this evening!" He barked out the order, a shaky legged elf moved forward, looking ashamed as Elrond marched up to the guilty faced other.

"What did you do to the food?!" He hissed angrily to the flinching underling.

"It was only a prank, Lord Elrond. I thought you disliked mushrooms and wouldn't eat them." He answered his irate leader.

"Oh, this isn't _my_ bile that you're seeing. It's _dwarfs vomit_! That dwarf rushed into my room and retched all over my bed and myself. Mind explaining yourself?" He was twitching now, in his growing anger.

"The dwarf, he was rude to me in the sauna, so I thought I'd get back at him by serving the mushrooms that cause silly behavior. They weren't suppose to harm him or make him ill!"

"Well they certainly did, and _I_ had to pay for your misdeeds because of it! I want you out of my kitchens and out of Rivendell before morning!" He pointed angrily to the exit.

Hurriedly the elf ran away from the fuming Elrond, the other elves waited quietly for further instructions, feeling sorry for their leaders predicament.

"Everyone else, if I find anymore foolish behavior from any of you or the others around here, so help me!" He hissed out his words as he turned on his heel to go take care of his filth ridden body. Since the arrival of his guests, Elronds people had been acting out of character, perhaps the sooner they left the better things would be in Rivendell...

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien


	6. Chapter 6

Carefully, the hobbit helped his weary dwarf friend onto the bed, placing a cool cloth over Thorin's head to comfort the recovering companion. Bilbo had found his dwarf passed out on the floor of Elrond's room, luckily the elf wasn't there as the hobbit awoke the dwarf enough to get him to move his body away from the vomit covered room and back towards the safety of Bilbos chambers.

"Bilbo, I'm sorry I ran out on you," Thorin began apologizing, Bilbo hushing the weary king.

"It's alright, just rest up now. You'll feel better by morning I'm sure, you dwarfs are a hardy lot." He commented, making his friend smile lightly before closing his drained eyes to rest.

Bilbo laid next to his king, after changing into his nightshirt, closing his eyes after a few moments of lying there next to his healing bedmate.

Thorin tossed around in his sleep, weird dreams making him move about frequently on the bed. His movement stopped as his hands in sleep reached out to feel the comforting form of his hobbit. Dreamily he held onto Bilbo by his hips, taking him from behind and snuggling very close to the other.

The dwarf king started having a very vivid dream about undoing his trousers and letting loose his Oakenshield to dive inside the hobbit greedily. Thrusting generously against the hobbits hole, enjoying the light moans of his companion as he kept asserting himself within Bilbo.

Slumber was beginning to leave Thorin as he blearily opened his eyes in the early morning. His eyes were looking into the back of Bilbo's head as his hands moved to wrap around the still sleeping hobbit affectionately. Thorin went to move his lower half and found it acting as if attached to something. Looking down, his mouth flew open as he took in the naughty sight. His dream had been more than just that, his throbbing member was still inserted inside the snoozing Bilbo! Taking a deep breath to steady himself, the dwarf tried carefully removing himself. The friction he made by moving gave the dwaf an ungodly thrill.

_"Well, he is asleep after all..."_ Were Thorins thoughts as he gave into his primal desire and started to carefully thrust in and out of the unknowing hobbits arse. The joy was short lived, for when he pushed in a little harder than usual, Bilbo woke with a gasp and his spooked nature made things clamp down in self defense.

It felt good for Thorin but his tight reaction made it now very hard for the dwarf to remove himself.

"Thorin?" Bilbo said his name questioningly. "Is your?...Is what I'm feeling attached to what I think it is?"

"That depends, are you thinking its a pickle? Because you'd be wrong about that, little hobbit." Thorin tried making a joke over their situation.

"This isn't funny, Thorin! It's rather hurting me right now. You mind?" Bilbo pleaded, looking over his shoulder at the smug faced dwarf.

"You thought it felt fine before waking. I can't move it out until you relax again Bilbo." He informed the other, listening to the lightly frustrated sigh of his companion.

"It's hard to relax myself when it's hurting right now." Bilbo commented, the dwarf took his hands and started rubbing the tense hobbits shoulders.

"Just relax, little one. Besides, wasn't this what you wanted last evening before I fell ill?" He spoke closely into the others ear, enjoying the hobbits reaction as he shivered. "Let me make up for my absence last evening." Thorin huskily spoke to his bedmate, slinking his hands away from Bilbo's shoulders and winding them underneath the hobbits nightshirt.

His gasp gave Thorin chills as he found what he'd been searching for. Firmly taking the others stiffness and beginning to stoke it with his calloused hands.

It was working, Thorin felt Bilbo's body relax into his as he gave his hobbit a thorough 'hand shake'. The dwarf felt Bilbo also relaxing his rump area, giving the other the opportunity to thrust lightly again inside his companion.

"Thorin." Bilbo said his name softly, longingly.

The dwarf started thrusting a bit faster, picking up his stroking as well, feeling the hobbit sigh and moan against his chest as he started to feel his Oakenshield rising to the occasion.

"Bilbo." Thorin growled the name possessively, his teeth nipping at the hobbits ear and getting a gasp of surprise from the fellow.

Soon the hobbit let loose his excitement, huffing and puffing as he released to Thorins will. Shortly after Bilbo's own release the dwarf found salvation and filled in his hobbit like a stallion to a mare.

It was at this pivotal moment, Thorin releasing all he had into Bilbo, when the bedroom doors abruptly burst open. Elrond got one Hell of an eye full as he watched the dwarf, in his surprise, pull out and finished releasing himself all over Bilbos rump and the now tainted sheets.

Gagging, the elf who was so usually proper and cool headed, ran from the taken off guard bunk mates, headed off to take care of his growing bile inside his throat. His eyes forever tainted by what he witness of Bilbo and Thorin's exploration. Shortly after this incident, he had an elf deliver the two a letter, asking them to please leave immediately, that he could no longer see them as guests in his household.

And that is how Thorin and Bilbo were kicked out of the elf haven called Rivendell. It wasn't till much later and some convincing from Gandalf that Elrond allowed Bilbo to stay one last time in the beautiful city.

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: That's the ending of this tale, I'll start doing short stories again, depicting how these two handle being a true couple while in front of all the other dwarfs. Dain may make an appearance soon, checking on cousin Thorin, seeing if he's found himself a wife yet...yeah, I'm coming up with a plot there. Keep an eye out for funny/drama goodness! Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Epilogue. . .**

Gandalf awaited their return, his hat missing and his mood cloudy as he asked what ever had taken them so long.

"Bilbo took his time, you know how slow hobbits are." Thorin jested, smirk on his face as his hobbit sighed in exasperation. It was agreed that no one would hear from them about getting kicked out of Rivendell due to lewd behavior. That was a private matter they intended on keeping between one another.

"Where is your hat, Gandalf?" Bilbo inquired, the wizard rarely had it off his gray colored head.

"Your nephews, Thorin Oakenshield, took off with my precious hat and refused to give me it's location. They've been very naughty and mischievous dwarfs while I've stayed here, and I suggest you do something about their terrible behavior!" Huffed the unhappy faced fellow, his brows furrowed as he looked towards the king for any kind of sympathy.

"They learn it from Bilbo." Thorin said with a serious look on his face, Bilbo reaching out and punching the sassing dwarf on his upper arm.

"You're such an arse!" Bilbo hissed at his companion as he started looking around for the missing nephews. Gandalf started to eye Bilbo curiously as he watched the hobbit begin his search.

"And how was your trip?" He asked of either companion, his eyes still trained on Bilbo.

"Elves, snobby _prudes_." Thorin spoke quietly to himself, Gandalf hearing the dwarf and asking what that meant.

"He _means_, they didn't enjoy his swearing, dwarfish nature, Gandalf." Bilbo intercepted, eyeing Thorin heatedly.

"Yes, you know elves, prim and proper lot." Thorin chuckled sort of awkwardly.

"Have you seen the tricksters lately? I'd like to see if I can talk some sense into those mischievous dwarfs." Bilbo asked of the watchful wizard.

"They've ran off somewhere, I've been unable to find them throughout this maze of a mountain." Gandalf sighed in defeat, missing his trusty hat. "I don't have time to just sit here and wait on the ornery dwarfs to return my hat, I've been waiting patiently for your return, and I've run dry of that patience. Thorin, I recently spoke with your cousin Dain, he intends to visit you soon and his main concern is whether or not you've started looking for a wife. He thinks it is important for you to hurry up and get wedded so that you may have heirs in case you should meet an untimely end."

"Fili and Kili are like sons to me, if I had died in battle, Fili would have taken the kingdom. I'm still fine with that order of succession, he can shove off with this wife business." Thorin huffed his opinion, Gandalf shaking his head unhappily.

"He intends on bringing you one if you don't choose a partner soon. He's insistent, _Thorin_. If you deny him his gift of a dwarf maiden for a wife, he will see it as an _insult_ and bad things will start happening."

"He acts as if he _wants_ me to refuse him, to start an argument." Thorin sighed, finding this news frustrating.

"You need to either focus on finding a bride from around here, or accept the dwarf he offers you. And _you_ Bilbo," Gandalf turned his attention towards the paused form of the ghostly pale looking hobbit. Bilbo had been listening in and wasn't fond of Thorin's choices he'd have to make.

"You need to realize your destiny has been filled here and that it is time to go back home to the _Shire_. You've no place here among the dwarfs of the Lonely Mountain." Bilbo's innocent eyes started turning glassy as he took Gandalf's words in, feeling vulnerable and doubting himself.

"You leave Bilbo alone!" Thorin warned, placing himself between the hobbit and wizard. "He can make his _own_ destiny, nothing is predestined." The kingly dwarfs arms crossed as he eyed the tall sorcerer determinedly.

"Bilbo belongs here as much as your nephew Kili belongs with that she elf from Mirkwood." Gandalf thundered his opinion, his words taking Thorin off guard.

"What _elf_?!" He growled, not liking where this conversation was going.

"While you've been away, he's been having visits from that maiden, thinking he's so damn sneaky when the fellow is anything but! They've been fooling around right under your mountain, and who knows how long he's been sneaking off seeing _her_. But that's none of _my_ business. Like you said, nothing is _predestined_." Gandalf said sarcastically, Thorins face a broody cloud of anger at hearing such news from the wizard.

"Thorin, please stay calm." Bilbo urged the now shaking form of the king, his anger was growing rapidly by the second.

"You better be misinformed, wizard. I would hate to have to disown one of my beloved nephews..." He hissed out the words, trying hard to believe that Gandalf was wrong.

"Fine. Live your life with your head in the ground. I'm leaving, you've been warned about Dain, that was my main concern here. Good day Thorin, Bilbo." He looked at Bilbo like a parent would a naughty teenager before leaving the mountain hatless.

"Thorin, do you think he's right? That I don't belong here..." Bilbo cautiously asked his companion, Thorin dropped his anger towards his nephew and threw an arm around the hobbits shoulders protectively.

"That wizard is opinionated and pushy, Bilbo. You make your own destiny, if you wish to stay, and you know now that I want you to, then stay. If you wish to return home, I will not stop you, but I would miss you greatly." Thorin spoke his peace, the little hobbit hugged the dwarf to him, feeling his eyes water lightly as he tried hard not to cry in front of Thorin.

"But what about this visit from your cousin? What will we do?" He gazed up at his companion worriedly.

"Don't you fret, little hobbit, I have a plan that will undoubtedly fool and please my troublesome kin. We'll need all the dwarfs help to pull it off." Thorin informed his concerned counterpart, his mind focus for now on the task of fooling Dain when he arrived. His concern over Kili and those questionable accusations could wait for now.


End file.
